miscarriage again

I knew that I had miscarried. I called the fertility unit on Monday to ask them to move my scan forward and see me the same day. The nurse who spoke to me said that they wouldn’t see me earlier, they don’t like to scan women who are bleeding because it could be ok one minute and change half an hour later (essentially making the scan a waste of time!). She gave me the advice to do a pregnancy test on Thursday morning and call them in case it was negative.  I don’t have much expectations any more to get any compassion or empathy from NHS staff but had thought that the Oxford Fertility Unit, who I pay out of my own pocket for their treatments, would be a bit more interested in their patients. I felt let down, still do.

Then I called Beards Mill Clinic which is a private clinic for pregnancy scans. The doctor was so wonderful. Finally somebody who took her time to do a scan, explained what she saw, listened to me and genuinely offered me her sympathy when it was obvious that I had miscarried again. That’s all I wanted. Someone to properly check and then tell me what it is. The embryo was only 2.7mm long and there was no heart beat. Since I was so sure of the conception date there was no chance that I had miscalculated the date and was only 5.5 weeks pregnant. My baby should have been about 10mm with a strong heart beat.  I am devastated and really, really worried that this will happen again.  What if there is something wrong with me and I will never carry a baby to term? 

Beards Mill Clinic referred me to the JR for another scan on Monday and a d&c the same day.  I am glad I have a few days to come to terms with this before they do the d&C. I am not ready to let go of my baby.

first clinic appointment

What a anti-climax! After all this waiting for an appointment I saw the doctor for about 5 minutes. He reiterated my medical history, told me that I neither have hepatitis C or B nor HIV, that I had a miscarriage four months ago and now wished to conceive via donor insemination.  He didn’t offer all too much encouragement about getting pregnant naturally (if one can call DI natural). My FSH value were normal at 7, I was ovulating but of course I was almost 40 and at that age fertility declines rapidly every 6 months. (Thanks for taking 3 months to get me to the first consultation!) His recommendation was to refer me to the fertility unit (hang on – I thought I was at the fertility unit?) for more tests and that we tried DI for 3-6 months and then immediately proceeded to IVF. If I didn’t get pregnant within 3 months with DI my chances of conceiving that way were really low and surely I wouldn’t want to waste the time window in which I could still  try IVF.  Of course this wouldn’t be done under NHS. DI is only paid for by the NHS if my partner had poor sperm (no partner – no NHS) and unfortunately NHS would only fund IVF to the age of 38. By the way, had I seen the price list? He handed me a sheet  of paper with prices and pointed out that IVF costs about 4,000 pounds per cycle. DI is bargain with 800 pounds per cycle.  Next I would have to have a hysterosalpingogram to see if my tubes are open. (Of course they are – I had just been pregnant!)  How I love that word, hysterosalpingogram, almost poetic in its complexity. And a consultation with the psychologist at the fertility unit. He gave me a sheet of paper with a phone number to schedule the hysterosalpingogram and said I’d get a call from the fertility unit to setup the appointment with the psychologist. My heart sank when I saw that the radiology unit only has 5 appointments per week, only on Tuesday mornings and that they apologised if this caused delays. Since the test can only be done before you ovulate but after you stopped bleeding  and you can only call when you are having your period and not in advance that makes finding a suitable appointment even more difficult. They reassured the patience that everyone would be seen within 3 months. Can you imagine. Three months! My fertility will be non-existent by then.

I looked up hysterosalpingogram as soon as I got home. Basically a dye is injected into your uterus (that’s the hystero part) and then flows through the tubes (salpingo!) and out the other end. The dye can be seen on an x-ray. It only takes a few minutes and isn’t painful and will reveal if you have any fibroids in your uterus and any blockages in the tubes. I also read that the likelihood of conceiving is higher after having a hysterosalpingogram.  Probably because any possible obstacle has been washed away. I also read that  is only the case when a lipophilic dye is used. Water based dyes don’t show that effect. Unfortunately most clinics use the less expensive water based dye.

a step in the right direction?

I went to see my GP today. I had it all planned out in my head, every word I would say.  A very rational decision: miscarriage past me, no man in my life any more, little time left (with my 40th birthday coming up), could I please have a donor child?

When I sat in the chair facing the GP I burst into tears.  Suddenly it became obvious that I would not have a family with a loving husband, that I was very far away of being over losing my baby and that I really was darn alone. I was not brave anymore. She let me cry for a while and then patiently listened to me. And she was very, very supportive. I am sure she has seen it all before but I was so relieved that she wasn’t judgemental. She just accepted this as my decision and will refer me to the Oxford Fertility Unit. It will not be under NHS because I am not in a relationship and have no fertility problems! Now that’s funny. If my husband had bad sperm the NHS would fund the treatment, if I had problems conceiving the NHS would fund an IVF cycle.  Not having a man in my life is obviously my own problem. I am not really worried about the costs but for anyone on a low income this would be a problem as all the treatments are really expensive. Is it fair that I have the privilege to try for a baby this way while other women might not because they don’t earn enough money?

We will have to do a few tests first, starting with measuring my hormone levels as soon as my period starts again. And getting tested for HIV and hepatitis. Oh well, a clean bill of health won’t hurt. I only hope my period will start soon.