losing a baby

I lost the baby.  I flew to Basel for a business meeting on the 24th of Sept in the morning. As soon as I arrived in the hotel to drop my bags I saw that I had been bleeding. I was just shocked and couldn’t think straight. How could I not even have noticed it? No cramps, no pain. Just blood. I cancelled all my meetings and went straight to the emergency services. A modern hospital building that instilled the immediate impression of good medical care available in a wealthy country. Art work on the walls and leather benches to sit on. I had to wait about an hour but then a friendly nurse looked after me. She did an ultrasound scan and showed me the little beating heart of my baby. I was lucky, at 6 and 1/2 half weeks one can at least see something.  That was the first time the somewhat abstract concept of pregnancy translated into a real baby. My baby. I was bleeding more now and they showed me the source of all that blood. A 1×2 cm hematoma; blood that collects between uterus wall and the placenta. They said that I didn’t need bed rest and could do anything normally but obviously shouldn’t run a marathon! They looked a bit concerned though when I said that I was going to take the train to Frankfurt tomorrow. I was starting to be really concerned when they gave me a prescription of painkillers and said I might need these. Were they really that convinced that I would miscarry and be in a lot of pain? Anyone up for some hope and encouragement? The bleeding stopped and by the next morning I felt good enough that I could take the train. No more bleeding all day.

When I arrived at my mom’s house in Frankfurt I told her that I was pregnant. She was so happy for me. Just like everyone who I had told. I didn’t plan to tell her that early but I was worried the bleeding would start again and I would need to go to hospital. When I woke up on Saturday morning I again had been bleeding. Again, no pain, no cramps. We drove to the hospital and this time they kept me there. The hematoma had grown to 2×3 cm and that is “very large” according to the doctor who did the scan. All I could look at was the heart beat. So beautiful and so reassuring. He said that they would keep me there until the bleeding stops and the hematoma shrinks because there is a risk that the blood can pull the placenta off the uterus wall. He also said some women had gone on to carry their baby full term. 7 days is hospital without being allowed to get up unless to go to the toilet. Luckily, since I was close to my mom’s place, I had a lots of visitors who brought books for me to read. I was quite happy lying still in my bed if that helped the baby.  They showed me the baby every two days, well, they monitored the hematoma, but for me it was an opportunity to see that little heart beat again. Until the 4th of October, when there wasn’t a heartbeat.

The women who shared my room were very supportive. Surprisingly one can be very close to total strangers. At the end of the day we are all the same and share the same worries and feelings.

They did a d&c and kept me overnight. The next day I flew back to Oxford.