dark memories

It is very hard to stay positive when you are bleeding.  I had a short spell of cramps on Sunday, about 30 min but really heavy, and then blood. No spotting but red blood. I am so scared to lose this baby.  Just as scared as I was last year.

I called the clinic this morning to see if I can come in for a scan. Nobody answered so I left a message asking for nurse to call me back. About an hour later I got a call from the receptionist who basically told me not to bother. There is nothing they can do, so unless the bleeding resumes I should wait for the scan at 7 1/2 weeks. Speaking of compassion or concern for your patients. At least I would have appreciated if a nurse had called me and talked me through this. But I guess miscarriages, or the fear thereof, are your own personal problem.

I will have to tell my boss and ask him that I stop travelling for work until I am 12 weeks. I would prefer not to but I also don’t want to end up in a hospital abroad again.

day 25

I keep having cramps like PMS but that would be way too early. It was so bad last night that I almost took pain killers. It is a bit of a worry but then it just mights be the implantation of the embryo. Stay positive.

Last night I thought about the long process to get here. While everyone at the fertility clinic was very friendly, nobody ever informed me about the lengthy process and all the tests I would have to go through. I was only ever told about the very next step and I never had a clue how many steps there still were to take. Nobody laid out the entire process in front of me and told me that would take 6 months to get started with DI. I am left with the feeling that I was just another patient pushed through the machinery with very little concern for the anxiety, insecurity, impatience and frustration that I felt.