my biggest fear

I am bleeding again. 6 weeks 6 days, just like last time. It started yesterday morning around 9 am when I had breakfast. No pain and no cramps. I just felt that I was bleeding and ran up the stairs to the bathroom to see if I was just imagining it. No, red blood and lots of it.  It’s so hard to go through this alone. I just want somebody to listen to my worries and tell me it’s going to be allright. My neighbor urged me to go to the hospital but I still had the response from the fertility unit in my head when I last called them. “There is nothing we can do”. 

The bleeding eased off during the day and during the night there was only brown blood, but also blood clots. They say that one should look out for tissue in the blood as this can be the embryo or the placenta. How does tissue look like, particularly when it is covered in blood? What I had was more like thick mucus, almost jelly like. By this morning I was so worried that I got myself to the John Radcliffe hospital. I knew where the gynaecology unit was because it is in the same building as the fertility clinic.  I just went there and they did what they could which was not much. The doctor said that she would do an internal exam to check if the cervix was closed (which it was) and test my tummy for tenderness in case I had an ectopic pregnancy (which I didn’t). What I really needed, she said, was an ultrasound scan but they didn’t have access to the instrument at weekends. Can you imagine? There is a hospital with a great reputation that doesn’t use equipment they have even though they may need it to diagnose patients in an emergency??????? Worse, the earliest appointment she could offer to me was Wednesday. This is like the third world. I mean, I am not asking for a routine scan. It’s an emergency. I had a miscarriage before that started exactly in the same manner.  I wonder if they really couldn’t do it or if they just couldn’t be bothered. Surely in the women’s clinic there must be a functioning ultrasound on weekends.  Or do emergencies always wait til Monday?

I also asked for an injection to prevent me making antibodies in case the baby is rhesus positive. That was standard care in Switzerland when I started bleeding there and went to the emergeny unit. It was also standard care in Germany when I was bleeding and they kept me in hospital. In England it is not standard care unless I have a D&C. Then they will give me an injection.  Are they hysteric in other countries or are we just generally less concerned for the patients health in England?

dark memories

It is very hard to stay positive when you are bleeding.  I had a short spell of cramps on Sunday, about 30 min but really heavy, and then blood. No spotting but red blood. I am so scared to lose this baby.  Just as scared as I was last year.

I called the clinic this morning to see if I can come in for a scan. Nobody answered so I left a message asking for nurse to call me back. About an hour later I got a call from the receptionist who basically told me not to bother. There is nothing they can do, so unless the bleeding resumes I should wait for the scan at 7 1/2 weeks. Speaking of compassion or concern for your patients. At least I would have appreciated if a nurse had called me and talked me through this. But I guess miscarriages, or the fear thereof, are your own personal problem.

I will have to tell my boss and ask him that I stop travelling for work until I am 12 weeks. I would prefer not to but I also don’t want to end up in a hospital abroad again.