thoughts on blogging

I was wondering for a while if I should post my thoughts about becoming a single mom on something as public as a blog. I think I will. Well, I am.  I am typing my very first blog - about something as enormously private as family planning. I have the feeling that I am not the only woman who finally decided to have a child on her own and that many, many more women are pondering the decision right now. Maybe this blog will encourage the one or other to take the plunge and do it.

I will back date a few posts because I think it is important to read every entry in chronological order. I have kept a journal and will post a few entries from earlier in the year.

Marusa Krese

Ich lege die Hand auf das Gras,

schloss die Augen

und starb.

Der Mond schien, die Sterne leuchteten.

So billig kommst du nicht davon,

fluesterte jemand hinter meinem Ruecken.

(Marusa Krese)

 

I rested the hand on the grass,

closed the eyes

and died.

The moon and stars, illuminated.

You won’t get away that easy,

whispered somebody behind my back.

dark memories

It is very hard to stay positive when you are bleeding.  I had a short spell of cramps on Sunday, about 30 min but really heavy, and then blood. No spotting but red blood. I am so scared to lose this baby.  Just as scared as I was last year.

I called the clinic this morning to see if I can come in for a scan. Nobody answered so I left a message asking for nurse to call me back. About an hour later I got a call from the receptionist who basically told me not to bother. There is nothing they can do, so unless the bleeding resumes I should wait for the scan at 7 1/2 weeks. Speaking of compassion or concern for your patients. At least I would have appreciated if a nurse had called me and talked me through this. But I guess miscarriages, or the fear thereof, are your own personal problem.

I will have to tell my boss and ask him that I stop travelling for work until I am 12 weeks. I would prefer not to but I also don’t want to end up in a hospital abroad again.

day 27

I AM PREGNANT!!!!

I thought I’d measure myself as a reference point, to see how quickly pregnancy changes my body. 86 hip, 73 waist, 88 chest, 54 thigh.

I am so happy, I have no words for it.

day 25

I keep having cramps like PMS but that would be way too early. It was so bad last night that I almost took pain killers. It is a bit of a worry but then it just mights be the implantation of the embryo. Stay positive.

Last night I thought about the long process to get here. While everyone at the fertility clinic was very friendly, nobody ever informed me about the lengthy process and all the tests I would have to go through. I was only ever told about the very next step and I never had a clue how many steps there still were to take. Nobody laid out the entire process in front of me and told me that would take 6 months to get started with DI. I am left with the feeling that I was just another patient pushed through the machinery with very little concern for the anxiety, insecurity, impatience and frustration that I felt.

day 18

I am on day 18 and try to be patient and not to feel for any signs of pregnancy. Now, 5 days after fertilization,  the embryo would start to implant.  Temperature is up to 36.8. Very good.

D-Day

12.04 am. Second insemination after they checked today whether the follicle was still there. It was – 21.5 mm in size. The first insemination was on Wednesday when the follicle measured 19 mm (day 11). They repeat the procedure two days later if ovulation hadn’t taken place. I knew it hadn’t because only today was my LH surge. Tested with the ovulation strips you can buy in the supermarket. Together with taking my temperature it is pretty easy to understand where I am in my cycle. The nurses were lovely and made this pretty sterile procedure into something more of an event – like a conception should be. I am so overwhelmed that it is finally happening. Fingers crossed.